Fifty Shades of Jeffrey the Giraffe
by Giraffe Cultist
Summary: It's finally out! The full and complete origin story of Jeffrey of the Giraffe. Note: Any relation to another character named "Jeffrey the Giraffe" is purely unintentional. Also note that a disturbed 13 year old wrote this, which is why the grammar sucks. DO NOT READ UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES IF YOU ARE: Easily offended by religion, race, rape, politics, or incredibly butthurt.
1. Chapter 1

**50 Shades of Jeffrey the Giraffe**

Disclamer: Jeffrey is a human in this story

It was a cold, stormy morning in the small, quiet town of Whispering Pines. The whole town was tranquil and silent— except for the babbling of drunken hoboes lying on the street. It had been like any other day, and it had been almost _too_ normal for Jeffrey to bear.

Jeffrey had awakened after being shot multiple times with tranquilizer darts by fellow neighbors the day before. As Jeffrey spasmed out of bed, he stretched out his joints and limbs, and smiled at the pile of dead infants that sat in the corner of his room. He then walked to his windowsill and opened up the window, the intoxicating stench of fresh air filling the room. He gasped for breath, the awful odor poisoned his nostrils. This caused him to flail his arms rapidly and jump out the window, falling headfirst on the hard, cement sidewalk.

Jeffrey was sent into another coma, and for the next 5 minutes he laid there while his body erupted in seizures, trying to cope with his brain damage. The only person who seemed to care was an old lady walking her dog that morning, because Jeffrey had been blocking her from walking her dog on the usual path she traveled in the morning.

"Move, you spasming it!" she barked at him.

Her dog barked at his convulsing body, then turned around and took a great big dump on Jeffrey's face. Then, all of a sudden, Jeffrey's hands wrapped around the dog's legs with a grip tighter than the tightest pair of skinny jeans. And with a quick, sharp jerk, Jeffrey ripped the legs off of the insolent mutt, as its owner watched in horror. Jeffrey mutilated the hound, its crimson blood splattered all over his shirt. The old lady screamed and attempted to run, but Jeffrey had caught her by her tremendously saggy, stretchy body fat. He pulled her back until she was close enough to him, and he took from her the cane she held in her hand… He took it with both hands and pinned her to the ground. Jeffrey drew it back, then rammed it far up her anus until the bottom of the cane protruded out of her mouth. A mixture of blood, fecal matter and entrails spurted out of her rear and onto the sidewalk.

Jeffrey smiled at the dead, penetrated woman on the ground and simply walked away to the nearby bar with a huge smirk of satisfaction stretched across his face.

As he reached the bar, he noticed an old friend, Toothless Tom, sitting on the curb, drinking a bottle of Pepto-Bismol with his friend, Sleazy Stan, who was sniffing Elmer's glue beside him.

"Well wook who juss came hee-ya," said Toothless Tom.

"Yeah, who is it?" replied Sleazy Stan, in his nasal, obnoxious voice.

Jeffrey just stared at them for a second before looking through the bar window to see his crush working at the counter in the bar.

"Whatch'ya wookin' at? Is dat yer crush 'dere, wuva boy?" snickered Toothless Tom.

"Yeah. Is your crush here to scratch your balls for you, butthead?" laughed Sleazy Stan, in a more homicide-provoking voice.

The two jackasses laughed at Jeffrey, and Jeffrey didn't like it one bit, so he chose the only reasonable thing to do. Jeffrey grabbed a lead pipe and swung a home run with Stan's face, so hard that it knocked every one of his teeth out. Then, Jeffrey slammed it on the empty head of Toothless Tom, which caused Tom to drop his Pepto-Bismol.

Jeffrey finished them off by delivering them an earth-shattering hit into both their testicles (If they had any). As soon as he was done, for good measure, he stuck the fallen Pepto-Bismol in Tom's ear and left the blood-stained lead pipe in Stan's mouth.


	2. Act II

Afterwards, Jeffrey kicked open the bar door with a sawed-off shotgun held tightly in both hands. He took a seat at the counter, right next to a guy with really white, fluffy hair. He sat in front of his crush, a girl named Stacey. Jeffrey couldn't help but to stare, slack-jawed and mouth wide, while sitting at the counter. He continued this behavior when the sound of a voice interrupted.

"Hey, you there."

Jeffrey turned and looked in every single direction until he finally figured out who was speaking to him.

"Hey, you there?"

The person snapped his fingers in Jeffrey's face. Jeffrey saw who it was. The man sitting next to him was talking. His hair was white and fluffy, just like a sheep's.

"The name's Harold, son. I saw what you did back there. You beat the sweet Jesus out of those bums, Toothless Tom and Sleazy Stan. I just wanted to thank you. Those scum have been messin' with me long enough. If there's anything I can do for ya', let me know."

Jeffrey nodded at the fluffy-haired Harold and turned back to his crush. He felt his happy place get even happier after each second he gazed at Stacey. Jeffrey just sat there and watched as Stacey served alcohol to bums and underage kids. She was everything Jeffrey's disturbed mind ever dreamt of. But then, Jeffrey heard the bar door open and the sound of heavy footsteps, which only meant one thing. Stacey's boyfriend was there. Jeffrey didn't move, however. He was still gawking, googly-eyed, at Stacey.

Then, from behind him, a bottle of cheap whiskey was smashed into his head, with pieces of glass cutting deep into his head.

"Who do ya' think yer lookin' at, Jeffrey?" spoke Stacey's boyfriend, in his Southern-biker accent.

Jeffrey fell to the floor and everything went dark in his head, like someone turned off the lights. The biker-boyfriend, Bubba, then grabbed the back of Jeffrey's neck and held Jeffrey up like he was going to throw a javelin. Bubba held Jeffrey backwards and flung him forth like a torpedo. Jeffrey flew like a torpedo and hit the wall with his head, so hard, that it got stuck inside.

"Leave him alone! Please, Bubba!" begged Stacey, who was bursting into tears.

Harold took one last sip of his pitcher of Guinness and slammed it on the counter. He cracked his knuckles, walking towards Bubba. Harold tapped Bubba on the shoulder. Bubba turned to him.

"Hey, bub," growled Harold.

"Yeah? What do you wa-"

Bubba was interrupted by getting a fistful of Harold in his face. Bubba fell back and broke a table under his weight, probably from eating 50 pounds of steak every day. Harold went to Bubba and gripped his throat like a robotic claw. Harold pulled Bubba to his feet and then stepped back. He then ran forward and slammed his foot in Bubba's crotch. The kick had so much force that it shattered Bubba's entire pelvis like glass.

Bubba grunted and grabbed for his smashed testicles in agonizing pain.

"Ow! My nonexistent manhood!" uttered Bubba as he collapsed on the ground.

Harold then grabbed Jeffrey's leg and pulled him out of the wall. Jeffrey spat out chunks of cement on the bar floor. Stacey quickly rushed to his aid.

"Are you okay?!" Stacey asked.

Jeffrey nodded and licked the cement dust off his face. Jeffrey looked at Harold, then at Stacey, then at Harold again.

"I'm really sorry about Bubba. He usually does this to guys he thinks are hitting on me," Stacey apologized.

Jeffrey shook his head and walked over to Bubba, as he lay writhing in pain on the ground with blood spilling from his smashed gonads. Jeffrey then put the nose of his sawed-off in Bubba's mouth. Jeffrey wrapped a finger around the trigger and pulled it back. Bubba's head exploded, brains splattering everywhere and blood covering the floor in pools. Stacey screamed and hid under the bar counter, grabbing franticly for her cell phone to dial 911. Jeffrey and Harold slowly stepped behind her. With the back of his shotgun, Jeffrey held the nose of his sawed-off and swung it against the back Stacey's head, knocking her out. The two of them, Jeffrey and Harold, dragged her into Jeffrey's dungeon to hold her as a hostage.


	3. Act III

Jeffrey then realized school was about to start and had to leave, so he beat and stole the clothes off of a random pedestrian who happened to pass his house. Jeffrey put on the stolen clothes and ran like a cheetah high on crack to his school. Home room had been close to being over already and Jeffrey needed to do something fast. He stopped at the window of his classroom, panting, and threw himself through it. He crashed into his desk with pieces of glass lodged into his face and chest. The bell rang, signaling class had begun. The teacher, Mrs. Applefuck, began taking attendance.

"Arnold Armadillo… George Bear… Steve Cat… David Elephant… Todd Frogg… Jeffrey Giraffe..."

All of the students seemed to reply "here" after their names were called, except for Jeffrey, which caused the teacher to repeat herself again.

"Jeffrey Giraffe?"

Jeffrey replied to her by throwing a shard of glass directly into her forehead, causing blood to spout out of his teacher's head like a fountain. All the bastard students watched, then dragged the teacher's body into the corner to masturbate over it and insert their penises into each of the teacher's openings. Jeffrey sat back in his chair and silently watched lesbian, midget, clown amputee porn on his phone until the AP happened to walk in and notice what had just happened.

The AP shrieked and reached for the nearest pair of safety scissors. He managed to grab two and clipped away at the students' penises. The students screamed and grabbed for their severed genitals. Their screaming and cries were so loud that it interrupted Jeffrey's midget porn. Jeffrey grunted and crushed the phone in his hand, gritting his teeth, with an uncontrollable rage. He jumped out of his seat and pounced on the AP like a lioness attacking a gazelle. Jeffrey gripped at the head of the AP, now on his back and clinging on to him like a leech stuck to an open cut. Jeffrey squeezed the AP's head tightly and made him squeal like a pig. And with a powerful, violent jerk, Jeffrey tore the head clean off the AP. A fountain of warm, red blood sprayed onto all of the castrated students as they cheered with glee.

The bell rang, signaling that school was over and that all of the fucktard kids could go home. But before Jeffrey did, he grabbed a handful of the severed genitalia on the floor and shoved it down the school custodian's throat. Jeffrey then headed home, ignoring the police cars that swarmed around the school.


	4. Act IV

He had only one thing on his mind, Stacey, and he wasn't going to let anything get in his way, not even the little children that were playing on his front lawn. He walked up to them with his hand clenched in a fist. Quickly, he grabbed one of them and shoved his fist down the child's throat. He grabbed a toy train lodged in the toddler's esophagus and pulled it out. From there, Jeffrey smacked the toddler with the toy train and shoved it up its ass. All the other children watched like retards and jacked off to it. But then, Jeffrey pulled out his 10 foot penis and hit them away. The toddlers were launched 20 feet away in a tree with needles laced with HIV instead of leaves. He then stumbled into his house and had another seizure, followed by an orgasm. As soon as he got up, he went to his medieval sex torture dungeon to harass his hostage.

He opened the basement door and walked down the steps until he was 50 feet underground. As he entered the dungeon, he noticed that Stacey had broken out of her cage. This upset Jeffrey very much, and he decided that she _must_ be punished. Stacey clawed away in torn ribbons for clothes as soon as she saw Jeffrey. He grabbed his cat o' nine tails whip and sex toys from his "toy chest". She gasped, staggering away as fast as she could from him—but she didn't get far. Jeffrey nailed her feet to the ground and injected Novocain into both of her arms. She still struggled, but still couldn't get away.

For 48 hours straight, Jeffrey pelted her with infants. From head to toe, Stacey was soaked in the blood of dead, aborted babies that he had stolen from a local hospital and cut out from pregnant women. Stacey hadn't moved since the last 3 hours and Jeffrey started to think she was dead, so he went up to her and pried her mouth open, and pulled down his pants. Luckily, she was only half awake, when he was going to do what he was going to do to her next. Jeffrey grabbed 10 bags of Taco Bell burritos and stuffed them down his throat all at once. He then grabbed a handful of laxatives and swallowed them. And with her mouth wide open, Jeffrey's belly made a noise that rumbled like an earthquake. A load, pained groan escaped from Jeffrey, and an eruption of fecal matter fired out of his asshole and went into Stacey's mouth. It was almost like a chocolate waterfall of chunks and thick fondue streaming out of his asshole. Once he was done, he made Stacey swallow it all.


	5. Act V

After Jeffrey was done torturing Stacey, he decided to kill some children. He took his 12 gauge and some shells and his hand dandy flame thrower, so that he could burn some Jews later. Jeffrey then strolled off to the daycare center with his flamethrower fuel strapped onto his back and his shotgun rested in his pants. He was approximately 10 feet away from the daycare center, when he was approached by an officer. The officer grunted and in a gruff, manly voice, said,

"You're coming with me!"

Jeffrey just stood there and stared at the officer's moustache. The officer didn't bother waiting, so he slapped some cuffs around Jeffrey's wrists and dragged him to his police car. Jeffrey couldn't allow for the officer to get in the way of him murdering children, so he bit off his handcuffs and grabbed the officer's baton. The officer, terrified and shaking, reached for his gun and aimed it at Jeffrey. Jeffrey hit the gun out of the officer's hands and pinned the officer against the hood of the car. Jeffrey then restrained the officer with an extra set of handcuffs and confiscated the officer's communicator. Jeffrey gripped the handle of the police baton and thrust it into the officer's anus. A loud, pained scream came from the officer as Jeffrey pushed the baton into his anus. Back and forth, Jeffrey moved the baton into the officer's rectum and blood was beginning to coat the baton, substituting as lube. Jeffrey continued this until he had busted the officer's asshole wide open enough for him to reach inside. As soon as it was open enough, Jeffrey violently forced his hand deep into the officer's prostate and grabbed the officer's small intestine. Jeffrey pulled the whole intestine out and carefully wrapped it around the officer's neck like a scarf. He left the body on the road and sat in the driver's seat of the police car and ran over the police man until he was reduced to a pile of mush.

Jeffrey hit the gas pedal and sped off at 50 mph at the fence of the daycare center. He broke through the fence like it was nothing and hit a pregnant woman who had happened to be in front of the car when he busted through. He then splattered a few 5 year olds on his windshield and ground the bones of smaller children under the police car's tires. He pivoted the back of the police car and hit an obese woman and her fat, bastard son. Jeffrey was finishing his killing spree when the car ran out of gas. He fell out the side of the car and saw that the car had been covered in the blood and guts of dozens of innocent children and several pedestrians. He smiled at his work and turned around in the direction of a house holding a bat mitzvah. Jeffrey put on his gas mask, twisted the nozzle on his flamethrower, and made his way to the party.

The house was abuzz with the sound of big-nosed Jews talking, stealing loose change, and performing circumcisions. It was only until Jeffrey kicked open the door and barged in, when they finally stopped all party activities. A Jewish woman screamed at the sight of Jeffrey and was set ablaze by Jeffrey's flamethrower. The Jews ran and scurried like panicking mice, as Jeffrey set fire to the Jews. He enjoyed it very much and loved the cries of the Jews as he burnt their bodies to a crisp. The smell of burning, Jew flesh and the sounds of their screams turned Jeffrey on.

When all Jews were finally charred and lying dead on the floor, Jeffrey saw that there was in fact one surviving Jew left. A poor, defenseless Jewish sat in the corner in a fetal position, crying and hugging her legs. Jeffrey stood beside her and unzipped his trousers. A second afterwards, a loud, bone-chilling scream echoed through the house. Jeffrey was rapid the Jew as she laid there and no one could do anything about it. The raped lasted for days, and it wasn't until Jeffrey ejaculated for the 1,000th time when it stopped. In the end, Jeffrey took the girl by the arm and threw her in the oven. He set the oven to 451 degrees Fahrenheit, the degree he cooked pizza at.


	6. Act VI

On the day of their apocalypse, or the Whiteocaust, Jeffrey prepared himself by dressing himself top to bottom with armor, weapons and black pants. Jeffrey was a battle-hardened wigga who was ready to kill all da crackas.

He began his conquest in Omaha, Nebraska, the whitest city in the world. He showed up at the gate of a White, conservative, Mormon community, where families were grilling, men were practicing bigamy and polygamy, children were being sacrifices and statutory rape was happening at every corner. Jeffrey pumped his 12 gauge, took one last bite of his watermelon fried chicken, and stormed through the gate. The whole white community was barbequing with their obnoxious, eco-friendly, bio-degradable, child-friendly grills, unaware of Jeffrey. Then, a White Mormon conservative with 5 wives pointed him out and shouted,

"The Black Knight is here!"

The community went in total panic. They were not prepared for the overpowered Black Nationalist who invaded them like White Europeans invaded Africa to steal their people. The first Mormon was hit with a shotgun round to the face and with a light pole shoved up their ass. Jeffrey claimed the next victims by firing watermelon grenades and them and choking them with chicken bones. He raped their wives, took a shit on their founding leader's face, and brutally molested their children with his index finger.

Soon after he was done pillaging, Jeffrey devastated the rest of the White U.S. Texas, Virginia, Vermont, Maine, New Hampshire, and redneck Florida were all destroyed in his wake. With the main goal accomplished and the chocolate men in power, the Order of the Black KKK had one last thing in mind, killing the entire KKK, a task that required the whole army of Black Knights to storm the KKK capital. In Atlanta, Georgia, was their headquarters, a whole building painted white, guarded by hundreds of fat, redneck racists, who were too stupid and too incompetent to do anything else. Luckily for Jeffrey, he had it all planned out. He and his fellow darker skinned comrades waited in a bomber with nuclear bombs inside. Jeffrey was strapped to the biggest bomb, prepared to die in the name of the Black race. Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Robinson, Muhammad Ali, Malcom X, Morgan Freeman, and just about every other great black man smiled down at Jeffrey, as he prepared to liberate the ebony people and eliminate the White menace to extinction.

"Are you ready, motherfucker?" asked Samuel L. Jackson.

Jeffrey nodded back as tears filled his eyes. He was proud to die for his black leaders, even if he was white. The pilot pulled the switched, dropping the nuclear bomb on the HQ with Jeffrey on top of it. Then, in a quick flash, a high-blasting nuclear explosion demolished the entire HQ, along with almost the entire state. It was a moment of celebration and a moment of mourning, for the entire Caucasian race had been eliminated, yet Jeffrey had died…

Later on, a funeral had been requested for Jeffrey. His remains had been buried and orphans and Christians were burned in his honor. The whole Black KKK was there to mourn Jeffrey's death and his contributions to brown men. Women cried and cut off their clitorises, because they couldn't have sex with Jeffrey. Men castrated themselves, because they could no longer masturbate to his presence.

But… a voice was heard from deep within the void, a voice only Jeffrey's spirit heard. The voice was powerful, divine and mystical. It spoke to him, saying,

"Jeffrey…! I am the god of giraffes, and I summon thee to walk the earth again and continue causing mass mayhem and enrage feminists and every subcategory of people."

The words commanded Jeffrey's spirit to reincarnate into a purer form, only this time—Jeffrey would have the form of a giraffe.

TO BE CONTINUED…

**Reviews from people who read the original manuscript:**

"This was swag" – Unknown admirer

"I masturbated so hard to this that I accidentally circumcised myself." – Peninsula Conversations, a TF2 addict

"I am now living my life by the teachings of Jeffrey the Giraffe. All hail." – R.W.

"'Jeffrey the Giraffe' is an expertly crafted tale of love, triumph, pain, redemption, and above all, suffering…"— R.M. (Couldn't read your handwriting, by the way)

"This was so cute. Mmmm rape."—A sick pedophile off the street

"What the fuck is this? It's good and funny, but at the same time, it's bullshit. How the fuck do you come up with this?"—J.S. (Die Mother Fucker)

"This so freaky. What's wrong with your head? Nice-'interesting' story."— Horrified girl

"I want my own copy to fap to violently in my bathtub. This book made me cum pae after page… I can't wait for the sequel."— A fellow superfan


	7. Act VII with Reviews

On the day of their apocalypse, or the Whiteocaust, Jeffrey prepared himself by dressing himself top to bottom with armor, weapons and black pants. Jeffrey was a battle-hardened wigga who was ready to kill all da crackas.

He began his conquest in Omaha, Nebraska, the whitest city in the world. He showed up at the gate of a White, conservative, Mormon community, where families were grilling, men were practicing bigamy and polygamy, children were being sacrifices and statutory rape was happening at every corner. Jeffrey pumped his 12 gauge, took one last bite of his watermelon fried chicken, and stormed through the gate. The whole white community was barbequing with their obnoxious, eco-friendly, bio-degradable, child-friendly grills, unaware of Jeffrey. Then, a White Mormon conservative with 5 wives pointed him out and shouted,

"The Black Knight is here!"

The community went in total panic. They were not prepared for the overpowered Black Nationalist who invaded them like White Europeans invaded Africa to steal their people. The first Mormon was hit with a shotgun round to the face and with a light pole shoved up their ass. Jeffrey claimed the next victims by firing watermelon grenades and them and choking them with chicken bones. He raped their wives, took a shit on their founding leader's face, and brutally molested their children with his index finger.

Soon after he was done pillaging, Jeffrey devastated the rest of the White U.S. Texas, Virginia, Vermont, Maine, New Hampshire, and redneck Florida were all destroyed in his wake. With the main goal accomplished and the chocolate men in power, the Order of the Black KKK had one last thing in mind, killing the entire KKK, a task that required the whole army of Black Knights to storm the KKK capital. In Atlanta, Georgia, was their headquarters, a whole building painted white, guarded by hundreds of fat, redneck racists, who were too stupid and too incompetent to do anything else. Luckily for Jeffrey, he had it all planned out. He and his fellow darker skinned comrades waited in a bomber with nuclear bombs inside. Jeffrey was strapped to the biggest bomb, prepared to die in the name of the Black race. Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Robinson, Muhammad Ali, Malcom X, Morgan Freeman, and just about every other great black man smiled down at Jeffrey, as he prepared to liberate the ebony people and eliminate the White menace to extinction.

"Are you ready, motherfucker?" asked Samuel L. Jackson.

Jeffrey nodded back as tears filled his eyes. He was proud to die for his black leaders, even if he was white. The pilot pulled the switched, dropping the nuclear bomb on the HQ with Jeffrey on top of it. Then, in a quick flash, a high-blasting nuclear explosion demolished the entire HQ, along with almost the entire state. It was a moment of celebration and a moment of mourning, for the entire Caucasian race had been eliminated, yet Jeffrey had died…

Later on, a funeral had been requested for Jeffrey. His remains had been buried and orphans and Christians were burned in his honor. The whole Black KKK was there to mourn Jeffrey's death and his contributions to brown men. Women cried and cut off their clitorises, because they couldn't have sex with Jeffrey. Men castrated themselves, because they could no longer masturbate to his presence.

But… a voice was heard from deep within the void, a voice only Jeffrey's spirit heard. The voice was powerful, divine and mystical. It spoke to him, saying,

"Jeffrey…! I am the god of giraffes, and I summon thee to walk the earth again and continue causing mass mayhem and enrage feminists and every subcategory of people."

The words commanded Jeffrey's spirit to reincarnate into a purer form, only this time—Jeffrey would have the form of a giraffe.

TO BE CONTINUED…

**Reviews from people who read the original manuscript:**

"This was swag" – Unknown admirer

"I masturbated so hard to this that I accidentally circumcised myself." – Peninsula Conversations, a TF2 addict

"I am now living my life by the teachings of Jeffrey the Giraffe. All hail." – R.W.

"'Jeffrey the Giraffe' is an expertly crafted tale of love, triumph, pain, redemption, and above all, suffering…"— R.M. (Couldn't read your handwriting, by the way)

"This was so cute. Mmmm rape."—A sick pedophile off the street

"What the fuck is this? It's good and funny, but at the same time, it's bullshit. How the fuck do you come up with this?"—J.S. (Die Mother Fucker)

"This so freaky. What's wrong with your head? Nice-'interesting' story."— Horrified girl

"I want my own copy to fap to violently in my bathtub. This book made me cum pae after page… I can't wait for the sequel."— A fellow super-fun


End file.
